I have been doing art from the time I could walk ( 1 year old). Because my mother and brothers were also talented I was always in competing with them. I was born with a birth defect and was teased horribly in school, people would beat me up just because they could not understand why I was different... I grew up hating everyone and everything I only found myself loving animals because they were friendly to me. I was born with a Spina Befida, I am 21 years old and wear diapers. does this make me a lesser human being?

I use to think so because people treated me as If I were...

In High school I wanted to prove that I was worth something, anything! I used my talent to draw porn and nude figures to the boys delight!
I started drinking an smoking to prove to myself that I could do all the things that the 'normal' people could.
Being born with this 'roblem' affected my other organs as well esp. my kindneys.
Smoking deteriarates your kidneys! In Highschool I ended up in Hospital for kidney falure...and I was doing it to myself! I hated my life...I did'nt want to be born! Did I ask for this problem?

I could not tell my parents how I felt because they had their own problems...my Dad had Financial problems and my mother had Emotional problems.

I started standing up for myself at school and learned various swear words, applied dark make-up around my eyes and acted mean! I was your average struggling teen, emotional, depressed and with a flaw in my body that would stay there forever.

I finished highschool and matriculated in 2005 and enrolled in TUT tecnicon where I studied 'Fine and applied art'.
Here I only bossed people more and smoked like a chimney! I ended up in hospital again! for my kidney's...doctors warned that if I ended up in hospital this much I would have to have a kidney transfer real soon. Kidney failure was immenant. My Lecturers taught me about art of the world and I rebeled against everything they said! for the mere fact that I COULD.

My relationship with my parents worsened as I would come home from tecnicon swearing and being rude to my parents. I believed that it was their fault that I was born this way and I figured they could not possibly understand me or my feelings. This resulted in constant conflicts and suicide attempts. I have tried killing myself at least 24 times in my life.

In my first year I soon realised that I was top of my class and a promising artist. This fueled my appetite for power and proving myself reached an all time high! I was not only being rude to people but actualy scaring them I was dominant in everything and had lots of friends because people thaught I had a 'strong personality'.
Some even thaught I could be a great Leader. My Lecturers were taking advise from me and we were in a constant struggle.
And all the while no one knew that I was actually a weak girl struggling to stay sane and healthy.

In my second year I met my best friend and totally started dominating her! I pointed out all her weaknesses and made her feel bad about herself. This tactic was to break her down and rebuilt her according to how I wanted her to be. looking back now I can see how 'evil' I had been. my reasoning was of utter most evil!
I ended up in Hospital again and went to see a specialist...who said that I would have to under go a major opperation to have my bladder( half a normal humans size) cut open and have either a piece of my own entestines put in to enlarge it or put a pig bladder in. I was devestated! How could I keep being mean around people now that I needed sympathy and love...a promise that everything could be alright!?

I caused more problems at home... had a nervous brake down and did not speak for days. This was not an act of 'seeking attention' as so many times before. NO! this time I wanted my brain to stop working and I had no more physical power. My father took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bi-polar. could things get any worse? I had no more friends I was about to drop out and had to under go a painfull operation my money for cigarettes was finished and I believed the whole world hated me and now I had Bi-polar!

I wanted to die!

My parents had raised me strictly cristian we did not smoke, drink or swear...we were always suppose to be good people who loved our neighbours and were friendly to everyone. We were raised poor and we were five children. I was the only girl with four brothers. We did not ever wear BRAND clothing, my mother made my clothes for most of my life. And I still remember when I was a little girl my mother told me how she had prayed to the Lord to please give her a baby girl. And when she got her baby girl she was born half lame with a spina befida.My Mother was devestated! She blamed God for everything! She could not understand how He could do this to her...Doctors warned my Mother that I would not be able to walk or function as 'normal' children do'. She told me when I was seven how she wanted to kill me just to spare me the pain of living in this condition. I grew up hating my Mother. My Mother never stopped praying though...and when I was one a miracle happened! I learned to walk! and I learned to talk before I was one!. When the time came for me to go to school...no 'NORMAL' school would take me. my mother took me to a special school for disabled children. I remember walking down the corridor and looking at all the children sitting strapped to their wheel chairs. some of them had brain damage and spit dripped out of their mouthes. Their faces were twisted in odd ways and some of their eyes kept rolling back in their heads. And as I looked at them...I heard a nurse saying to my Mother," Your daughter looks perfectly fine!". In the end they would not take me either because they figured I could do well living a normal live and attending a normal school.

About two weeks after that a phone call came from a fellow cristian woman who told my Mother that an anonamous sponser had paid my enrolment feas to go to a private cristian school. God had provided once again!I was very 'safe' and secluded at this school. But in standard 4 my sponser suddenly could not pay any more and I had to go to a public school.
At the public school I soon discovered that children were rude, screaming, swearing and mocking people different from them.
I had to under go many foot opperations that year because my feet were starting to bend in spasms and I developed 'claw feet' or 'duck feet'. Meaning my feet would bend inward and later my heels could not reach the ground. I was walking on tip toes. So because of all these foot opperations I was almost constantly on crutches at school with both or one leg in plaster. Children at this school soon gave me a nick name or actually a few of them...'crutch girl'...'diaper girl'...'fishy skirt'...'ee pants'...'dislexia'...

No one wanted to be friends with me and the only contact between me and other children was when one tripped me or pushed me into a garden. once a boy even rode over my plastered foot with his bicycle.

I was the FUN at school, children would grab my school bag and pull out my diapers and throw them on the school roof for all the other childrens delight.

I became so nervous around people that I would start trembling and wet myself. And this would be greeted with mocking snares and lunch thrown at me.

Highschool was no different because those same children went to my Highschool. So news of my 'roblem' spread like wild fire.


...I wanted to die!... After I found out about the Bi-polar problem I thaught there was no future, no return, no hope.
I knew about God and all the surounding bits because of the way I was raised. But I just figured...'some God! He dos not even care! I could drop dead and would He care?

I felt guilty in my heart because I knew that my kidney problems was a direct result of my smoking...and I knew I could not blame God for everything...Why did'nt He care about me? ( I figured that I must have been a mistake, and that He never wanted me to be born...but my Mothers persistance brought me forth).
My Best Friend stuck by me and tried to comfort me...but I was stubborn and my depression was deep.
One night my Mother and I got into another fight and she lost control she hit me through the face harder than she meant to...I phoned my one friend from Primary school and asked her to please come get me. I was finished! I wanted to get away from my problems! my problems in my mind was everything I knew, the familiar...I wanted to start a fresh...some where new.

My friend at that time was studying psycology and she told me 'her proffesional oppinion' to get out of that house ( parents house).
I ended up living with my Boyfriend for two weeks and then moving to my Best friends house for two months...during which I had no money no parents I was free...Or was I?
I finished my second year and my father phoned to tell me that He would stop paying my tuition fees if I did not come back home. I was stubborn as usual and refused...My brother and his wife lived a couple of blocks from where I stayed and I went to visit for His birthday. Soon after that they made arrangements for me to come live with them. I stayed with them for a year in which I found my feet little by little. I regained control of my life thanks to their love and support and they reintruduced me to God and religion. slowly but surely I started letting go of my hate and started going to church again. They got me a male cat as a present because they knew how much I loved animals. I called him cuty cat. I learned more about myself during that year than what I had during my entire life. I felt security and loved. They stuck through my temper tantrums and treated me with gentleness. I could feel something eminating from them...something that I wanted. Soon I started praying again and talking to God. I told him how disapointed I was with Him and how I could not understand how He could have let all those things happen to me. slowly I started reading the bible again and soon I found myself totally relaxed and enjoying the things God was showing me in the bible.

They helped me to take out a student loan and I started my third year on a happy note. I knew that Fine Art was not for me...the moment I realised how many pagan and religious contradictions was being taught to us. things that were in direct conflict to what the bible taught and what I had come to love through the grace of God. I learned to hold on to Gods hand tighter and ask Him what He wanted for me.
He showed me how special life is in his eyes and that my mis-conseptions were evil and came from another source.
I started telling people at campus about God and his plans for us sinners and soon realised how many young people out in the world were thinking the same as I. We were being programmed to think the same way...to get so caught up in our problems and then to blame God! We were playing into the enimies hand. God needed me to become fully aware of His existence through the bible. God won't force himself on us...we have to ask him to become a part of our lives. You would not want someone to come to your party uninvited?
The bible tells us that your body is the temple of God...you must invite him to come live in it other wise someone else will...and He is the one who currupts your mind...makes you hate yourself...and want to kill you.
After I started trusting God and his intensions for my life...I let go...everyday, little by little I asked God to please help me make the right desisions. there were set-backs OH YES! our carnal nature and sinfull nature will make sure of that! But God was gracious unto me and where I fell He stood and helped me up. He pressed it upon me to quit smoking and I ignored it at first because being a nicotine addict was no joke! you can't just leave the stuff just like that! soon after that my brother told me how he wanted me to quit smoking. He had quit seven years before...and had been praying for me to quit. He told me that he wanted us to quit ( he wanted to help me) so he started smoking again and his wife as well and we set a date to quit...and on that day we all including my best friend quit. We could never have done it without Gods help. He gave us the strenght to quit and its been two years since...

Soon after that we stopped drinking alcahol and. In the middle of my third year...My brother was offered a new job that would pay more. But they would have to move...and I would not be able to go with because I wanted to finish my studies. It soon became clear that I would have to move back to my parents. Something in me jumped! I became wild in my head...I wanted to escape again...But a calmness and reason flooded me. This time would be different...I had a purpose in life now! I knew what I had to do! and I knew no matter what happens, no matter what the devil throws at me! God would help me through it...